Today my neurologist’s office informed me of their intention to put me on anti-seizure meds for the rest of my life.
This was not the news I was hoping for.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet.
For the time being, I’ve decided to reminisce about a memory that has made me laugh today. Hopefully, it will give you a chuckle too. Either that, or make you squirm uncomfortably in your seat because this story is a bit sexy.
(Sunshine, stop reading this. I’ll tell you when you’re older.)
He-Man had been gone for months. I missed him terribly and while I was surrounded by people, I was the loneliest I’d ever been. For weeks I’d been puked on, pooped on, sleep deprived and dewomanized by several cases of strep throat (at one point there were 5 different prescriptions of antibiotics in the fridge). And lice ravaging a family with 5 heads of long girl hair was a distinct possibility…which we narrowly dodged.
There were days I didn’t leave the house (hmmm…sounds familiar). I was too tired to shower and all I wanted to do was eat chocolate.
Other days, I was ON it. I’d have the kids up and out of the house by 8:00 am. I’d actually put on bra. I’d be dressed in my workout gear, ready to run off the obscene amounts of coping chocolate I’d consumed in the days before.
Gratefully, after a long while, I had enough of those sort of days that I was starting to see results of my post-baby workouts…just in time for He-Man to be finishing his work assignments and begin making plans to come home.
Naturally, I did what any self-respecting, newly vamped momma, ready to strut her stuff in her underwear would do…I headed to a lingerie store.
This wasn’t your average Victoria’s Secret. This was a locally owned shop filled with all sorts of goodies for the lovey-dovey, embarrass-the-kids kind of couple who really, really like each other. We’re not talking about lotions that smell good. We’re talking about lotions that taste good.
(Seriously, Sunshine. STOP READING.)
I arrived there with my local coupon in hand because if there’s anything sexier to He-Man than his girl in lingerie, it’s his girl in lingerie purchased with a 40% off coupon.
I walked through the door and suddenly became a blushy, giggly seventh grade girl looking to buy her first pair of underwear that wasn’t white.
It was a little embarrassing.
But, I rallied, reminded myself I was no rookie (having birthed 5 of He-Man’s babies and all) and approached a sales associate. I peppered her with questions. She was professional, dignified and answered each question as tastefully as possible. She endorsed a few products and even shared which were her favorites as a newlywed bride.
You’d think it would be a pretty easy-going, mostly anonymous interaction. But that’s not how these things work out sometimes.
After spending several minutes planning intimate details of a soon-to-be romantic interlude with my husband, I began to notice something about her. She looked awfully familiar…
Pausing for a moment, a flash of recognition expanded in my mind. It was Kylie! I had been asking sex questions to one of my students from my job 15 years earlier. And not just any student. She was hands-down one of my favorites. Kylie was one of the first I would pick up from school. She usually sat in the front seat of the van I was driving and she was my trusty sidekick, gathering the rest of the kids before heading to our after-school program. She was spunky, fun and made me laugh.
My favorite memory was the afternoon her mom was running late so we arranged to meet up at the preschool I was employed by. As we drove toward the meeting point she and I rocked out to Goo Goo Dolls’ ‘Slide’. We laughed and sang along. It was a fun memory…
And there I was, discussing my sex life with her.
In that moment, I kinda wanted to die.
Mustering up my last shreds of dignity, I acknowledged remembering her. She, in reply, mentioned wondering if I would.
Some people reconnect with old friends at lunch, eating avocado turkey sandwiches on rye with fruity drinks and artisan desserts. Me? I like reestablishing friendships in the aisle where they sell lubricants and dice with dodgy words on each side. It’s how I roll, I guess.
That was not meant to be punny.
Gratefully, Kylie has a much better poker face than I do. She’s also exponentially more dignified. Somehow together we managed to pretend that it wasn’t the most awkward place to reconnect EVER and even exchanged pleasantries…almost like we were sharing a turkey sandwich.
Needless to say, I didn’t leave the shop with much merchandise that evening. BUT I did get to renew an old friendship. Turns out, that sort of conversation tends to be the ultimate ice breaker. After that, pretty much anything is easy to talk about. I discovered that little girl I once knew is an incredible grown-up. She’s a fantastic wife and mother. She’s smart and funny and just as spunky as ever…everything an educator hopes for their students to be someday.
Ever since then, we’ve stayed connected. And tonight while asking her for permission to share this particular story, we decided to get together to catch up again.
This time, we’re meeting at Kneaders.