Letters To My Fifteen Year Old Self: Syndee…

Tonight, I share the thoughts of one of the women I admire most.  She is the strongest, bravest woman I know.

What was your biggest fear when you were fifteen?  My biggest fear when I was 15 was that I wasn’t pretty and that people thought I looked “poor”.

What is your biggest fear now?  My biggest fear now is the trafficking of historically marginalized women and children as a direct result of a pernicious and invasive worldwide pornography habit.

What did you love the most?  When I was 15 I loved spending time with my friends, talking and eating with them. It made me feel part of something and helped me begin to make sense of high school. I didn’t have an older sibling to give me inside tips so I had a lot to figure out. For the record, this is still something I enjoy as my full bodied backside can attest.

What do you love the most now?  Now, what I love the most is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Seriously. It was hard won and a long time coming. I cherish it.

What was your biggest hurt you were most afraid people would find out?  At 15 I was most afraid people would find out about the way my father treated us and the resulting chaos, financial insecurity and “non-normal” was we lived at home. I worked really hard to draw a veil over it and pretend it didn’t exist. I convinced high school me that we were the only family with problems, everyone else was normal (whatever that is). I was so wrong.

How did you overcome that hurt?  I’m still working through it. Some things that happen in our youth take a long time to work through. I do know that as a result of what happened, I have this awesome steel spine, a voice that speaks up even when it shakes from fear, and this rather amusing ability to find humor and a sense of the ridiculous even in hard times. Seriously, who wouldn’t want that?

What is your current superpower?  Sarcasm. This is my deep and abiding superpower. I wonder if Loki will notice? I think we’d be great friends. The Ward Talent Show people say its not something you can really share on stage. Rude.

What is your current superpower according to a loved one?   Current superpower according to my husband? Well, he’s the nice one in our relationship so I’d take whatever he says with about 3800 lbs of salt but he says…..Knowing what he needs when he needs it without him saying anything. He says I pay attention. I’m pretty sure I’m just blindly stabbing in the dark and getting lucky. 🙂

What is an obstacle you’ve faced to be who you are today?  I feel like me entire life has been on an obstacle course and some joker keeps placing “new and improved” obstacles on the track. For a long time I thought I was the only one who ran that obstacle course, until I grew up a bit and looked around. I realized we all suffer, we all have obstacles, we all have deep pains we try to carefully hide from each other.

Honestly though, my biggest obstacle has been my raging self doubt. I’ve let Satan live in my head for a long time and tell me that I’m stupid, fat, ugly, annoying and not worth anything. Satan is a rat bastard. I am slowly tearing down the tenement housing I’ve let him erect all over my brain and in my soul and am clearing space for the lovely light filled cottage stuffed to the gills with Lord’s love and faith in me.

I wish the adults who surrounded me at church, at school, and at home would have taken a closer look at a middle of the road girl who was neither a huge achiever nor a huge slacker; and realized how much she could have benefited from some attention, love and support. I was faking it like most teenagers and quite frankly, adults do.

At fifteen, what part of you, physical or otherwise, were you insecure about but have now come to appreciate and wish you would have celebrated?  I thought I had huge thighs and calves because I’d had a paper route I’d delivered on my bike for years, which means muscles with some nice muscle definition. They weren’t stick straight so I thought I was fat. Psh. They were great looking strong legs. I shouldn’t have hid them as much as I did.

What is the one thing you would tell your fifteen-year old self right now, after experiencing what you’ve experienced as an adult?  After I finished screaming because a time traveler showed up in my bedroom you mean? I’d tell 15 year old me that high school is not the center of the world and that I was actually quite intelligent and if I applied myself I could go to an Ivy League school and become the lawyer/writer/fighter pilot/fashion designer I wanted to be. Most importantly, don’t let others tell you who you are. The loud, angry or rude voices are never right. Search for quiet places and moments to allow the peaceful voice inside you tell you who you really area. I’d also tell myself that high school boys aren’t worth making yourself sick over. Their brains are leaking out and they’re scared too. They’re much better after 25.

What is a misconception people have of you?  Where do I start? Just by being me I encourage a vast array of misconceptions, some of them flattering, most of them not. Misconceptions, I have learned, are a direct result of someone elses insecurities, not because of who or how you are. One of the misconceptions I hear most often is that “nothing seems to bother you”. I think this exercise has proved is that is totally false. Que “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. and I’ll exist stage left (with a flourish).

Share a picture/s that makes you feel strong and beautiful…



About T.D.

Hi there! Thanks for stopping by my corner of the blogosphere. I hope you like it here. This blog is where I ramble about the hats I wear (wife, mother, author, educator, etc) and everything in between. A wise man once said 'Happiness is a habit; cultivate it'. Here on this blog, I intend to do just that.
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